Hyatt, 83, shocked the Merrimack Valley last November when former Mayor Sharon Pollard and challenger Todd Woekel withdrew from the race leaving Hyatt the only candidate for the top spot in city hall. In a joint press conference Pollard and Woekel said that Hyatt had “secret information” linking them to a cover up at Saint Basil’s where several volunteers had been served peanut butter with outdated expiration dates on the jars with no apology from the brothers who run the institution. Hyatt won the election with only one vote, as a mass exodus saw the city population dwindle to 156. Members of congress are scheduled to discuss Hyatt’s “Naked Mayor” proposal in a closed door session where Hyatt himself will testify that running around his office with no pants allows him to more freely express himself and “gets my creative juices flowing.” He will also remind congress that he alone is responsible for proposition 2 ½, the D-Day victory, the fall of the Berlin Wall and a stop sign on Lawrence Street. President George W. Bush held an unscheduled press conference calling Hyatt’s proposal “immoral” but later reversed his position when Hyatt wrote a scathing rebuke of the president on his new website “I’m a loser.com”. White House Spokesman Scott McLellan said the President acted “to hastily” when he opposed the Hyatt “Naked Mayor” proposal, “it is unusual for the mayor of a municipality to champion such legislation but the president is looking at it and will make a decision later in the week." Hyatt’s biggest supporters: NAMBLA, Naked Men Now (NMN) and the Gay, Straight Transsexual Alliance for Hyatt cheered the president’s back stepping on Hyatt’s proposal calling for a constitutional amendment making Greg Hyatt president for life. “I
think they are going a little overboard,” and
unusually humble Hyatt said. "I have lots of work to
do as Mayor of Methuen first, but they have one thing
right, I am smarter and would be a better president than
George Bush. He is only in the White House because I, the
great Greg supported him in the last election. If it
wasn’t for that picture of me with Ronald Reagan
being put on campaign fliers endorsing him we would be
talking about president Al Gore right now.” For his part, the Hyatt agenda on the local issues is moving full steam ahead. Mayor Hyatt will be standing before the City council next week to make “transsexual love” a sanctioned relationship in Methuen and plans to replace all city hall workers with men who dress like women. “It is a slap in the face to all of us who secretly put on women’s panties, and can’t afford the operation to make us retreat back into the closet. With gay marriage now legal in this state I am pushing through bold initiatives to reflect the Hyatt mindset.” That mindset, Hyatt says, goes to the heart of his administration's goals for the next two years. “Not only are we going to be open minded in the Hyatt administration when it comes to transvestites,” Hyatt said in a press release yesterday, “I, the great Greg Hyatt demand that the city health plan include sex change operations, a transgender dress code for all city employees and a mandatory cavity search (by the mayor) of all police officers before and after every shift.” Council President Bill Manzi, who refused to resign after being implicated in the cover up of the St. Basil’s peanut butter scandal, said he is holding strong in opposition to Hyatt’s new moves calling them “insane”. “Yeah, ya know…he might have a few good points on some of this stuff but you can’t be doing that stuff,” Manzi said when contacted by the press. “I mean, hey, it’s one thing to want to rename the town to Hyattsville, it’s quite another to let dogs roam in the cemetery, force police to endure cavity searches and require everyone to color their teeth the brown so that everyone looks like him, ya know.” Hyatt’s proposals at next weeks council meeting also include: $6 million for a full investigation into who stole his house key in 1999 Removal of
the police chief for failing to submit to his sexual
advances Hyatt is scheduled to marry his life long love “Dinky” the german shepherd in Provincetown next Saturday. Dinky could not be reached for comment. (for
those of you too stupid to figure it out on your own this
is a parody) |
METHUEN- The associated press is
reporting today that Methuen Mayor Greg Hyatt, only six
months into his term, is now calling for a federal law
making it legal for all municipal managers and city
mayors to work without pants in public buildings.