Ramdom Thoughts
Mark Palermo

I have observed a phenomena in Haverhill, and it would make a great thesis for an anthropology study. The latin term is Haverhillicus homocrisicum, or a mid-life crisis, Haverhill style.  

Other cultures deal with the advancing years in various ways. In some tribal cultures, for instance, a man at midlife might give away all his possessions in order to enhance his prestige within the social group. In Latin cultures a middle aged man may aquire and maintain a young, nubile girlfriend, whom he visits on rainy afternoons. In Haverhill, however, a man buys a motorcycle.  

Behold Haverhillicus homocrisicum.  He is typically between 30 and 40 years old. His waistline is expanding. In order to conceal his receeding hairline, he shaves his head, thinking that this seemingly clever ruse makes him look younger and hence more attractive to younger females.

To demonstrate his mastery over powerful machines, he alters the muffler of his motorcycle so that it makes an obscene amount of noise. He drives up and down Haverhill’s semi- rural streets ruining the peace and quiet of others who- unlike himself, like to enjoy their free time in peace and quiet. If asked, he will say he gets a sense of freedom from his bike. The only problem is when his freedom means that a sleepy afternoon relaxing in your backyard is impossible because it sounds like living at the edge of an airport with Boeing 747’s taking off every three minutes.  

Some will say that loud pipes are a necessary safety measure- admittedly, a reasonable argument when one considers the astounding number of morons who insist on talking on a cell phone while they drive cars. But a motorcycle is a discretionary vehicle for most people. Probably less than 2% of motorcyclists depend on it for primary transportation. If safety is a concern, a motorcyclist can use his car: nobody is forced to ride a motorcycle.   Moreover, if we apply the “safety” argument, what happens when I , who also have concerns about safety, remove the muffler from my truck so that others will be more aware of me. Of course the police would ticket me - which is what they should do with any motorcyclist who alters a stock muffler to make it louder.   

So Haverhillicus homocrisicum, give it up. Spend quiet evenings reading a book. Attend ham and bean suppers at your local place of worship. Take up vegetable gardening. Ageing happens. I wish you all safe but quiet journeys on your chosen mode of transportation.  

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