>>Valley Patriot>> |
There are, of course, a number of boring debates regarding who can put what kind of wigwam here, there or the other place. No one really much cares about these issues unless it is going in next to your wigwam. The really exciting
squabbles involve two big issues: Most of the time is spent on the first item. Heck, loot in hand is worth twice loot in the bush. If you want a larger share of the tribe’s loot, you must be needy. It’s a competition. You must make it clear that without extra loot, the world will fall apart. Actually, that is what the other tribesmen are saying, so you need to make it even worse. For instance, you could say, “The most vulnerable will really, really, really suffer and, after that, the world will fall apart.” Now, if you are Chief of the Tribe’s Awesome Defense Department (the ADD), you must make it clear that without more money for patrols the tribe might be overrun by neighboring tribesmen. This is a tough case for the Chief of the ADD to make. First, because such attacks are extremely rare. And, second, because you are in charge of making it very difficult for individual tribesmen to get spear permits. The Chief of ADD can’t admit it, but these two roles are complementary. You see, if you keep individual tribesmen defenseless, they will need to give the ADD, and the ADD’s workers, more loot to protect them. The Chief of the
Tribe’s Child Rearing Department (CRD) has an easier
time of it. You see, it used to be that tribe-parents had
sole responsibility for their children’s upbringing
including manners, morals, education, and whatever else
was needed to transform them into good tribesmen. Then
the tribe decided to take primary responsibility for the
education of the tribe’s little-people. Those
working in the tribe’s education department, in
search of greater job security and more loot, kept taking
on more and more responsibility until they finally
declared they were responsible for nurturing “the
whole little-person”. The tribe-parents didn’t
resist because, as responsibilities were transferred,
they were relieved of many normal burdens …
seemingly at no cost. As the Education Department morphed into the Child Rearing Department, the tribe-parents slowly took their eye off the ball assuming the CRD would do a great job raising their little-people. Of course, while well meaning, many of the tribesmen and tribeswomen who worked for the CRD had other priorities and, eventually, tribe-parents noticed that their little-people couldn’t carry out basic functions that traditionally they had no difficulty performing. Clearly more loot would be needed. Some tribe-parents say that more loot should be spent on teaching hut building, while others want more spent on hunting and gathering classes. A few insist that more be spent on fertility instruction, but an even larger contingent wants better grasslands for the CRD’s Spring Spear Throwing Contests (apparently, muddy fields often delay spring competitions). After bitter fighting, the different tribal factions settle on a mutually beneficial strategy: Let’s get the tribal counsel to give the CRD more loot so we can do more of all these things. With the tribe’s little-people failing and the tribe-parents all in a tizzy, the Chief of the CRD and his elected council is well positioned for the tribal gathering. While the battle for loot rages between the ADD, the CRD and the other tribal departments, there is a hidden sub-plot. You see, many moons ago all the people who work in the tribe’s departments banded together to make sure that the tribe can’t have anyone else offer the services they provide. In fact, a number of years ago, the Humunga Regional Tribal Council (HRTC) passed a Humunga Ordinance that only permits tribes to hire members of certain tribal bands to perform critical functions like tribal defense and the rearing of little-people. Try to hire someone else and you get a humunga spear right up your you-know-what! Because of this Humunga Ordinance, these tribal bands can and do demand special treatment. Over the years they arranged to get: lots of time off, plus extra special personal time off, vacation time, overtime, sick time, kinda-sick time, feel-like-I-want-to-be-sick time, retirement contemplation time, and, even if they sleep on the job, they get guaranteed job protection. Of course, this dramatically raises the cost to the tribe of these important services while reducing their quality. But, since the Representatives to the Humunga Regional Tribal Council depend on the support — especially the annual wampum contributions — of these special-tribal bands and seem to care less about the regular tribes-people or their little-people (who can’t vote), what are you going to do? Now, as the tribal elders gather for the annual Tribal Council Meeting, a few tribesmen join them to help their favorite tribal department get more loot. It could be because they (or a relative) works for a tribal department or because they want more of the department’s “free” services. Either way, they want more loot … and they want it now! As the battle rages, one feisty tribal member who believes the world is coming to an end gets a brilliant (but far from novel) idea. “Let’s stop fighting over this pile of loot. Clearly, the least able among us are going to suffer and devastation is upon us … Let’s get more loot!” As the emotion builds, a squaw shrieks, “We must have the loot. It’s for the little-people! It’s for the little-people!” Sometimes a few braves protest that the tribe’s citizens already have too much of their hard-earned wampum taken from them each year, but they are drowned out by the loot-seekers. “More, More, More,” they yell and then they scream, “If all the other tribe-citizens really cared, they would be here tonight around the communal campfire!” But most of the tribe’s citizens stay at home in their huts. Why? Because they are exhausted from all the efforts that are needed to raise the wampum already being looted by the Tribal Council for their various departments. There is one more
reason they stay away. Around 300 moons ago, the Regional
Tribes People revolted and demanded a Humunga Ordinance
that required each tribe to get the majority consent of
their citizens before raising the amount of wampum they
loot each year at spear-point. This year we
celebrate the 25th anniversary of that Humunga Ordinance,
also known as Proposition 2 ½. Thank you Citizens
for Limited Taxation and thanks to CLT’s Chief,
Barbara Anderson!
*Send your questions
comments to ValleyPatriot@aol.com |
It’s campfire time in New England. The
tribal elders in each town are about to meet and divvy up
the loot they plan to gather over the next year.
Tribesmen (and tribeswomen) who enjoy the spectacle or
who wish to join in the annual tussle will also gather at
their local Tribal Council Meeting.
